More than meets the I

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/11009379/

Thanks to Allan for that one.

I am not a neighborly person. I have never really interacted with my neighbors; in thinking back on my previous residences, I don't think I could even tell you what most of them looked like. I don't borrow cups of sugar or throw block parties. Partially, I think this is because I find that it's too much trouble to have to stop and have the obligatory front-lawn conversations every time we happen to coincide in front of our houses. Case in point: I picked up the mail this afternoon and some neighborly family friends happened to be outside of their house as I walked by. I ducked my head and pretended to be talking on my phone in order to avoid them. Does this make me an asshole? Can it be called a healthy desire for privacy? Maybe it's because, with the immediately proximal folks at least, I don't want to have to sheepishly wave and smile at them after a loud and long fuckfest from the night before. It's easier to keep them -- and myself, by extension -- as anonymous as possible.

Sometimes I find myself musing about my streetmates, however. I look at the neatly manicured lawn next to mine, and my head swims slightly as I wonder about the people that live there. What an enormously different life story they have from my own -- what innumerable twists and turns they have taken along the path that I would never have chosen! What places have they been that I will never see, what heartaches they have felt that I have never contemplated, what fears do they feel that I would never consider? And yet, we follow the same path every day to return to our homes, with a difference of a mere few feet. We come from areas thousands of miles apart, and now we give our visiting loved ones the exact same directions, changing only the last few words.

Is this part of the reason I am the Anti-Rogers? That if I were to get to know Doug next door or Jane on the corner the mystery would disappear and I would be reduced to empty pleasantries with people who are never as interesting in person as they are in my head?

Is it partially that I can't choose the people who live next to me as I normally choose my friends? I don't want to be forced into an empty weather-and-current-event-flavored relationship with someone to whom I would never have spoken two words otherwise. It's strange, because normally I am quite social, or can at least function on a healthy social level, but beyond a fleeting smile of acknowledgement I do not interact with anyone with whom I might accidentally cross paths.

...

I am suddenly intrigued with this new persona I've discovered, though. Ha! I am the Anti-Rogers! I arrive home from work, take off my jacket, and put on my vest of barbed wire and skunk glands! I keep my puppets all in separate boxes, mute and frowning! I don't believe my mailman even exists!

Not that this is the sort of persona that takes over the world, what with sitting in the dark with all the blinds drawn glaring at nothing over ramen and cheap wine. But it's still amusing.

Maybe I am a hermit of sorts ... maybe I'm an asshole, after all. Maybe I am just trying to keep my imagination active. We'll go with that.

I figure if something makes me chuckle more than three times in the reading of it I should post it in the hopes that it will amuse you, darling reader, as well.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,24389-2003544,00.html

More later, perhaps -- off to see "Brokeback Mountain" tonight with my new friend Gretchen; kicking off the off-time in style. :)

Oh, and check out THIS amount of cool shit:
http://www.symphonysiliconvalley.org/

Video Games Live! Geeks unite! I am so crossing my fingers and hoping I get to go. Join me! Who needs Burning Man! *grin*

Heh. So I don't know if I rule as much as I thought I did. *grin* I went to "Kick Ass Cabaret" class tonight, thinking that I, indeed, kick ass, and thus that that was the class for me. I walked in, and Ava says: "Hi, Jeannette, do you know what you've gotten yourself into?" Hmm ... it turned out that what I had gotten myself into contained a lot of sliding across the floor on my (kneepadless) knees, bruising my feet, moving 2% of me while keeping the entire rest of my body still, and generally beating myself to a pulp. And it was AWESOME. I don't know that Ava was quite as enthusiastic about having me join her troupe as Rose made it sound ... but I'm not broken-hearted over it. I'm still taking an advanced cabaret class with world-renowned (and fucking hot) Ava Fleming, and by God I WILL kick ass! Man, one of these days I really need to start performing.

Hmm, in other news, new job is going well, they appear to like me a lot, nothing has been remarkably difficult, etc. *shrug* I'll get some overtime, it being tax season and all, which will be good for my newly-formed goal of putting $3500 in the bank by June. I've figured out that it's much better to have concrete goals rather than abstract ones. Yep, lookit me and my gold star. :-P My ASL class is great, I'm teaching myself HTML, and I'm musing over what to crochet next ... things is okay.

'Course, that's assuming I'll be able to MOVE tomorrow. :-D

Although I haven't been attending to the awesomemeter for the last few days (because the idea got old shortly after I conceived it), today I deserve about a thousand awesome points.

I received an e-mail from a lady who was in my belly dance class all last semester. She asked where I'd been (sacrificing belly dancing for caroling and being in SF and putting in overtime at new work), and said Ava Fleming was asking about me because she wants me to audition for her dance troupe. Ahem. The Belly Dancer of the fucking Universe wants ME PERSONALLY to audition to PERFORM WITH HER!!! Holy crap!! It hurts because I don't know how long I'll be out here; will I be able to work in a performance? Am I a shithead if I join a troupe for six months? Will it be good bonus points for my continuing career in SF?

Seriously, though, a thousand awesome points for me. *does the "I rule" happy belly dance*

I am tired. Really tired. I am in the midst of going day-offless from Jan 10th through Jan 28th. That sucks. But it's money and I can't complain. Sort of.

But, I felt I should list the celebrities that have now been near me though I had no clue of their presence:

1. Billy Corgan
2. Sammy Hagar
3. Bob Seeger
4. Some basketball guy (well, I knew he was there, but didn't really care).
5. DMX

The list is expected to grow -- Jay Leno, Nicholas Cage, Tim Allen maybe. Maybe I'll be a bit more aware in the future. People keep running up to me and demanding to know if I noticed the celebs that have just walked out the door. Same thing happened to me with Whitney Houston last year. Yeesh. The best I did today was talk to (supposedly) Mariah Carey's stage manager. I refrained from saying "well, she's looking fat lately."

Two more days and then I have a nice, normal, desk job to look forward to, which will be like a day off, which is what I'm going to keep telling myself. Goodnight, y'all.

I don't know what the deal is with this fad is of making up goofy statements about goofy people, like Chuck Norris (see posting somewhere in December) and Vin Diesel, but here's Mr. T. I won't copy the whole thing but these two amused me.

"Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity."

"Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's."

Oh, man, Lifetime is a pathetic sapfest for depressingly desperate women. Shoot me in the head if I am ever the sort who watches it.

Anyway, nothing too interesting to report ... the job offer is official, and apparently I will be making "up to" $30K in a short period of time. *shrug* I don't know what that actually means but it sounds like it's right where I want to be, so now the challenge is finding the time to get an apartment, since I don't have a day off scheduled until maybe the 28th. Scottsdale is expensive. Maybe I'll head for north Phoenixish, somewhere up along Bell maybe ... I dunno, and for once the internet is next to no help.

I should have gone apartment hunting today, but instead I found myself at Ross picking up some more "business casual" attire and having a delightful conversation with some woman from England. Is it strange that we are all so totally uncomfortable with our fellow human beings that someone who starts a friendly conversation is a fucking weirdo? It started with a simple comment on a pair of shoes over which I was glancing, and turned into a 20 minute chat carried on while she searched for shoes for me. *laugh* She was pregnant and adorable and she made me happy. Thanks, cute random British lady.


(And is it me, or are they trying to supersaturate the sitcoms these days with dysfunctional crap? Like, more homos + more drugs + more divorce = better TV? Yeesh. I am so not even turning on my TV for a month after I get back into my own space again. Ah, my own space, what lovely words.)

Official job offer. +5
Didn't go apartment hunting in available afternoon. -2

NDA: 3
NAT: 108

And a hearty +10 to the cute British woman. :)

Well, it looks like I am with job. Besides the car auction thing.

(I can't help but think that this whole job at Barrett-Jackson is terribly wasted on me. I spend all day with these fancy, shiny, old cars; I walk by tons of them on my way to the restroom; more come in all the time. And the most reaction it gets from me is "hey, that's a pretty green." Ah well, the rest of the family will enjoy the free tickets which they gave me after all and I get a paycheck; works out for everyone one way or another.) :)

Anyway, I've decided Office Team is awesome. Having resigned myself to staying in Phoenix for another x, where x is a year or less, I called Office Team and said "Find me a job." I had an interivew in an hour, and a job an hour after that. Well -- they haven't officially offered yet, but they adored me. Once they see my resume they'll make me some monetary offer; if it's decent I will accept it, and then I will be a receptionist at a CPA office. Good experience, not retail or sales. I'll take it! 'Course, they need to pay me at least $14/hr for me to feel like I'm in a decent position. I am rather overextended with this new car. Sigh. But, even if it's not that high, it's looking like I'll be getting some decent overtime through April (tax season, you know; good timing, eh?). It's certainly not like I have anything better to do. ;)

It looks like I will not be entering Heidi's cave, so now I'm on the hunt for a place of my own. I should be smart and get a roommate but I've always had such bad luck with living with people I don't know. So with any luck I'll find a dinky apartment somewhere in the $500ish range, little more, little less ... I know I have to kiss my dream of washer/dryer goodbye as usual. Feel free to donate your quarters to me. :)

So, things are looking up. Money's coming in. Temporary future is looking fairly assured; more so once I know what these folks are gonna pay me. Why am I still sad? Well, I'm scared I won't be able to save like I want to, overtime or no. I'm still in Phoenix, and I really don't like it here. And of course there's the fact that I have to look forward to a lonely year without my Cliffle, even though we'll visit hopefully somewhat often.

But, I'm less sad than I was, and I really shouldn't bitch, right?

Got sent home early because I figured out the phone system faster than everyone else. +1
Made work people fall in love with me. +2
Well on way to not being pathetic anymore, even if it's not exactly where I was looking to be. +1

And yesterday ... well, can't say as anything much happened yesterday, 'cept giving Dad the tickets to the auction and causing him to worship me for a day or two. Eh, what the hell, +1 for making the boys' day.

NDA: 5
NAT: 105

Finished Cliffle's scarf in two days and it actually looks neato. +3



See? Hopefully he'll be all toasty in SF now.

Also, my cake turned out rather dry and crappy. :-( -1. Mom was still happy with it though. +1.

Sorry for all the whining lately, folks (what folks are still reading this...). Just ... going crazy. And what are journally things for if not to record when you're going crazy? :) Well, time to go to sleep and get ready for this car auction thing tomorrow. Oh boy!

Had my interview this morning at the temp agency, and aced it, as I figured I would. The girl that interviewed me was the sort of girl I would have done my best to ignore as she spouted stupid things in English class. Bubbly and cutesy, lisping and empty-headed. This frustrates me -- if SHE can be happily solid in her job, why can't I find something I'm happy with? Sigh.

So, I have my first assignment already (heh, sounds like I'm a low-level assassin. MAYBE I AM), starting tomorrow. What is it? I get to answer phones for the Barrett-Jackson car auction for two weeks. Straight. Hello, overtime! I mention this to my father, and of course the very first thing out of his mouth is "can you get me tickets?!" It doesn't occur to him, perhaps, that this temporary position in which I find myself isn't even ON the totem pole, and there is little to no chance of these tickets appearing. Not at all ironically, my brother, upon learning the same information, asked me the exact same question. Boys.

So, I will have income again as of tomorrow, and yet I find myself no closer to figuring out what to do with myself long-term. Once again I am considering diving out to SF; now that this (national) agency has me in their data base I can find temporary work out there as easily as here, with the carrot of permanence dangling before me. I can do the temp/perm thing here. I can temp it up forever.

Part of me really wants to leap into the void, dumb though it may be, because frankly, I think I'm kind of a pussy. (This is completely aside from my Cliffle being over there.)

I don't really take risks. I went to ASU because it was nearby and easy to get into. I probably could have gone to so many better places -- I really am smart -- but I never even bothered putting in the effort. Jobs? Parents, coffee, coffee, parents, naturopath (because a neighbor called and told me to go work there, not because I sought it out on my own), coffee, bank (yay! a break in the pattern!), coffee (sonofabitch.), makeup, parents. Fucking pathetic. Moving to Chicago was a risk, I suppose, but I was pretty much riding on Vince's coattails. And I've backslid ever since.

I need to show the world that I really am awesome; that I'm not just playing the part. Yes, I always kick ass at my piddleshit jobs, but I need to take on something heavier, something longer-lasting; something where 75% of my coworkers aren't in high school. I need to figure out where my threshhold really is. I want to stop being afraid of my own shadow. I want to stop this self-defeating bullshit I've had since I can remember.

But conversely, is throwing my sack-on-a-stick over my shoulder and skipping to San Francisco really the way to show everyone? Or is it a one-way-ticket to double debt? Fuck, what do I do? I think flying over there and landing in Cliff's lap is not the way to prove I'm Wonder Woman, temporary though it would be. Can I be dependent for a month and then start kicking ass? Is this a safe route in disguise?

Is it tougher to stay here? Away from my love, my future; away from weather and stylish people and exorbitant rent? To find a place to live (be it in Heidi's cave or an apartment of my own) and a permanent job of sorts, with no clear idea of when I'm going to get on with my life but with a (hopefully) successful budget?

FUCK. I'm about ready to break down and pray. Sigh...

Aced job interview. +3
Found out I really do type 85 wpm with 100% accuracy, which means I actually type a lot faster because I have to go back and fix mistakes all the time, which is cool because up to now I've just been saying that to people to be all impressive while thinking it was a lie. +2
Made Dad take Mom out to a birthday dinner since yesterday was shitty. +1
Baked Mom a red velvet cake like her mom used to make for her when she was young. +1 (although this might be revoked cause I haven't tasted it yet)
Finished a project in two days. +1
Still no closer to figuring out long-term shit. -4

NDA: 4
NAT: 100 (yay!)

Fucking A. My blonde joke didn't work. Sigh. Well, go to Geek Press to see it. Obviously I am not worthy. What does it mean when a blonde joke backfires on someone ...?

Anyway,
Sat around the house ALL GODDAMN DAY. -5.
Learned new crochet stitch. +2
Watched "March of the Penguins," Mom's birthday gift, with her. +1.
Didn't realize Mom was only making chili to be nice to the boys and insist we go out to dinner until it was too late. -5

Net daily awesome: -7
New awesome total: 96.

Ah well ... interview tomorrow morning; hopefully life will start falling into place with that. *crosses fingers* Wish me luck.

Hello, friends. I fear this posting might be a bit whiny; please forgive me (or stop reading and go find better websites to waste your time with). :)

Cliff is gone to San Francisco, and by a strange coincidence, I find myself poking around my parents' empty house with nothing to do. I finished Memoirs of a Geisha, which lived up to my expectations nicely. Heidi appears to have crawled back into her cave as she so often does. Sigh. There are second-tier friends I suppose I could call up ... but I'm just not interested. Blah.

So, partially out of boredom, I am embarking on a specific quest. I have decided to quantify my own awesomeness, and increase it by -- oh, something reasonable -- 10% a month, say. So, let's say I'm giving myself 100 awesome points to begin with. I will dole out awesome points to myself based on the neat stuff I do, learn, read, try, cook, etc. I admit this is all arbitrary as fuck but how else am I supposed to keep track of it? :)

So, today:
Began Tribal belly dance class. +5
Finished Memoirs. +1
Sat around on a Sat night with nothing to do. -3
Decided to quantify coolness on blog. +/- 1 depending on who's reading :-D

Net awesome for the day: 3ish.
New awesome total: 103.

What will tomorrow bring?




Sigh ... I miss you, my love. And why do I still stick out my tongue every time I smile?

I am not one for blonde jokes -- well, that's a lie, especially when I find one as good as was on Geek Press today. :)

I think I am resigned to staying here in Arizona for the time being.

Pros:
Know the area. Might have a job as a claims adjustor lined up if one or two pieces fall into place. Don't have to give up my car. Hopefully will move in with Heidi if she calls me back and tells me she likes the idea. If that happens, won't be tied into a lease so if the magical California opportunity DOES show up I will be able to leap upon it in short order. Will be able to save up money like I haven't been doing the past few months. Have friends here. Won't piss off parents again.

Cons:
The man I'm in love with is leaving without me the day after tomorrow. I'll still be in fucking Phoenix. I am still in that temporary limbo since I fucking graduated college and I am SO sick of. Heidi has a history of being a tad messy.

I signed up for a sign language class, because I've wanted to learn sign language for years. I'll be studying Tribal belly dance on Saturdays. Tribal is more "I am woman hear me roar" than it is "look at my sparkly titties!" which I think will be good for me. I'll get through this.

I think this might be the next stage of my personal growth. Remember, that was the thing I've been working on, the point of coming back to AZ and the point of this blog and the point of everything, really? I have grown and changed and bettered myself as much as was possible while still living with my parents, and now it's time to get out there and prove that I am, in fact, adult and do things in adult ways. Like entertain myself and budget myself and go without sex for long periods of time. Where will I be in a year? I will be more independent than I've ever been, I will be a year's worth better at belly dancing, I will know sign language, I will be better read, and I will be ready to take San Francisco (or the surrounding suburbs) by storm. I'll show you. I'll show everyone.

So, I came back all set to blog about San Francisco and what an awesome time I had, and I find it's rather impossible to sit down and chronicle everything about six beautiful days in a new city without degenerating to boring statements like "and then I ate this, and then I saw that, and then I kicked a pigeon," etc. So, in the interest of not being boring, I ate things, I saw things, I had lots of really great sex ;-), and yes, I did happen to kick a pigeon because on Pier 39 the little whores are so fearless that they will actually get close enough so you can plant your foot upon their feathered little bottoms. Yay!

Oh, but one specific for all my geektastic friends -- Cliff and I went to the Tech Museum of Innovation in San Jose, which was AWESOME. And it was particularly awesome because they happened to have an exhibit on the history of video games, which contained EVERY VIDEO GAME SYSTEM EVER, all hooked up and playable. They had (nearly) the original Space Wars! (first game ever), Commodores, bunches of arcade games, Pong, Nintendos, Playstations, Dreamcasts, ridiculous handhelds from the late 70s and early 80s. Pac Man, Burger Time, Space Channel 5!, the Sims, Tomb Raider, Super Mario Bros., Zelda 64, on and on and on ... it was geek heaven. I think Vince's head in particular would have exploded. :-D

Oh, and Cliff is part T-1000.
Hee.

In other news, after my fabulous vacation, I returned home, and within ten minutes of walking into my parents' house learned I am out of a job. Now, I know this was all temporary. I know they've been paying me quite a bit to do nothing the past few months. I don't blame them in the least. It would have been nice, however, to have known in advance, and thus have been able to plan a bit better, that I would have no income upon returning. (Despite the fact that Cliff pretty much carried me the whole time, buying me food and museums and such, vacations are still expensive! Dear Cliff, thank you, by the way.)

So now, the major dilemma, regarding the move to California. It is time to get out of my parents' house again -- in the words of my mother, "It's been lovely having you here, but you want your own space and so do we." I can continue internet hunting over there, which has gotten me nowhere so far because frankly, I got nothing nobody wants to ship me over there for screaming out of my résumé. I can dive into the void and freeload off of poor Cliffle while hoping to find a decent job out there in a short period of time. I can stay in Phx, get a little apartment somewhere, get a job that hopefully I'll be able to transfer with (Amex? Bankee?) in six months to a year, and do a better job saving money than I have been thus far. And I think I know what I'm going to have to do.

*heavy sigh* Sometimes being in love is so damned inconvenient. If I stay, do we do the long distance thing? Do we say "do whatever you want and we'll see what happens when we're both in the same city again?" Where to work, where to live, how to love ...

My brain hurts.